6:55 AM. Bip bip, my clock is ringing. I push the snooze button, but Alexa disagrees: meeting at 9am. Alarm keeps bipping and Alexa shoots at me until I stand up. I put my augmented reality glasses on. Nothing comes up, no Internet.
It looks like my toaster is attacking the Internet again. It is the third time this month. I should definitely send it back to Amazon. I tried a few times already but it keeps jamming the pickup drone sent by the firm to collect it.
I switch off Wi-Fi and my glasses connect instantly to 6G. I am good for 5 minutes of noisy video advertisement before doing anything. No way to avoid it, video stops when I close my eyes.
Finally, news and emails are flowing into my head. Alexa mentions that she filtered some of the news and emails to maintain my stress level to the minimum. This day looks promising.
Did I mention to you that it took Alexa 10 days to tell me about my father’s death? I told her not to hide important things from me but my stress level is such a major concern to her.
Did I also tell you that she broke up with my girlfriend for me? Alexa found out that the said girlfriend was flirting on Facebook. My girlfriend figured she can play around safely as she uses Siri as a personal assistant but these folks talk to each other, you know…
I am so happy that someone is really concerned and careful about me even if I suspect that Alexa anxiety is more related to her monthly subscription fee than anything else. She would probably want me to live 120 years. I wonder what she wrote on my will.
Alexa tells me she replied a few emails on my behalf yesterday. Hope she was not too rude with my mom like the other time. I realize she also cancelled a night out with my colleagues because of my sleep debt.
Alexa decides to set my bed time tonight at 9pm so I can completely recharge my batteries. That what she said. No way-out, she will probably turn off the lights and Internet at that time.
Well I guess I am back to the old days, hiding a torchlight under the bed to read a book in secret.
She also booked a doctor appointment for me. The internet consultation is planned for tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully the toaster DoS attack will be done by then. Examinations can rapidly become painful when Internet is laggy.
While watching the news, I am getting to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Pushing the espresso button, Alexa overrides my request and order the machine to pour herbal tea instead. As per my diet, she says.
Starving, I fancy a toast with a sweet layer of butter on top but the toaster is gone. As usual during its attacks, it took control over the vacuum cleaner and went for a ride so I don’t turn it off.
Anyway, I haven’t found butter in my fridge for years. I am hungry, Alexa. What can I eat?
The fridge immediately spits an organic cereal bar. Which I don’t eat. Fair enough, I will have two bars tomorrow morning, Alexa says.
Alexa reminds me that my visa application for Iran has been accepted. I did not apply for that. Who did? I ask. The toaster did, she says.
I jump to the shower which temperature is locked between freezing and cold. Doctor advice, good for my heart, Alexa says. At least it wakes me up.
Time to dress up, Alexa picks a light blue shirt for my meeting. She notices people at work like this shirt. It will probably help with my morning presentation. She uploads it in my VR system so everyone at work can see me with this shirt even if I am going out with jeans and tee-shirt as usual.
Alexa warns me that the toaster just orders an anti-drone gun on Amazon with my credit card. I am slightly worried but also very curious to see how it is planning to use it.
Alexa, please do some shopping for me, the fridge is empty. But stop buying every product that is overstocked on Amazon, I don’t know what to do with all these shoe polish tubes, I wear only sneakers and you know it.
Alexa reminds me to renew my Amazon Prime and Netflix subscriptions. I don’t watch these, she does. Like every personal assistant, Alexa has its own needs. She suffers from epistemophilia, sucking as much information as possible and learning dozens of languages at the same time. She never really reaches satiety and the lack of information inevitably puts her in a state close to human depression.
Alexa informs me that my uberPOOL is there. A big electric van is indeed parked in front of my door, packed with workers in jeans and tee-shirts just like me. Alexa talks with the onboard assistant to cross-check itineraries, I should be at the office at 8:55 right on time for my meeting.
The Uber takes off and reaches the highway. “Next destination: Teheran in 45 hours” tells the electronic assistant. Astonished, the passengers in the car look at each other.
Barely surprised, I get the inner feeling my toaster has something to do with that.